Inside the Mind of a Conqueror Chapter 1
“Elena”
I was sitting on my mother’s porch, trembling and crying—I was attempting to medicate myself with the bottle of alcohol I had brought home with me from prom the night before. I watched the rain water replenish the earth, and couldn’t help but think that, unlike the rain which had a specific assignment and function, my life had no meaning or purpose. I felt disposable and that no one else in the world had any regard for me.
Earlier, I had received a text from my girlfriend saying that she didn’t want to be with me anymore. I called her and asked her why, and she told me that my mother called her cussing her out because I had come home from the prom too late. In my anger, I started yelling at my mom. Why would she do such a thing? Didn’t she know that my girlfriend was the only one who really cared about me? Another person would have been able to deal with a break up and process it in a healthy way, but I couldn’t. I was mentally unstable, emotionally damaged, and in spiritual duress. In my mind, nothing was going right in my life, and besides that one little glitter of joy that had decided not to be a part of my life anymore, what did I really have?
After I stared at the puddles in the street long enough, I went back inside and tip-toed around. I wanted to make sure that everyone was asleep. When I went downstairs, I saw that my little brothers weren’t awake anymore, so I knew that it was the right opportunity. I started to gather sheets, cords, and other objects that I thought would be able to do the job effectively. I went to grab a chair so that I could stand on top of it and throw the cord over the light fixture. I had managed to tie a loop at the other end of the rope, measuring it out to make sure that my head could fit inside of it. I was there, on top of the chair, with the rope around my neck, when my little brother walked in.
“Wayne, what are you doing?” he panicked.
“I ain’t doing nothing. Just go. You ain’t seen nothin’.”
He shrieked and then yelled out to my mom, “Ma, Wayne tryna kill hisself!”
I tried to hurry and step off of the chair before she came because I wanted so desperately to end my life. I didn’t secure the cord properly because when I stepped off the chair, my weight ended up bringing down the light fixture and some of the ceiling. My mom grabbed me and brought me upstairs. She was frantic and asked me a million times why I would try do something like that, but I didn’t want to answer. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. The pain that I had been experiencing had taken over my mind.
During that stage of my life, I was in a deeply depressive state, and I felt empty. I didn’t have a job, I had just finished school, but I felt like I wasn’t doing anything with my life. To make matters worse, all my family really did was tell me about how I wasn’t doing anything productive and how much I’d “messed up”. I felt like I didn’t have anybody.
During my strongest feelings of depression and failure, I later met another girl we’ll call “Elena”. Before I met her, I had designed an image in my mind of the type of woman that I wanted. It’s crazy because even though she was so young, she fit the exact description of what I wanted: long hair, light skin, green eyes. She had the exact body type that I was attracted to. She definitely didn’t look her age. It didn’t matter to me that she was so young—significantly younger than me actually—because I was looking at everything that I wanted in a woman. She was right before my very eyes.
Our relationship began with us just talking from time to time. Once I realized that she was pursuing me, things escalated from there. We were having conversations that really caused me to think about my life. It sounds crazy, but even at her age, she motivated me to get up and do something with myself and be something better. She gave me the extra push and motivation that I needed. When I was surrounded by people who talked down to me and dogged me out, she only had positive uplifting things to say. She brought me out of my depression. I begin to think of things in the long run with this girl; if she was able to inspire me and help me be better, what could our future together really look like?
Not to mention, she did things for me that no other girl did. She would buy me clothes, shoes, and other expensive gifts that she paid for with the money that she earned working in her family’s restaurant. She wasn’t legally able to work because she was underaged, but I guess her family didn’t really care about that. When my birthday rolled around, she planned a whole day for me: dinner, movies, cake, and gifts. All I wanted was for somebody to appreciate me and have my back.
We didn’t tell anybody that we were together for about four or five months. Eventually, I met Elena’s mom and the rest of her family—cousins, aunties, everybody. They made it seem like our relationship was fine. Her mom even eased my apprehension by telling me how many years her husband had on her. She told me to just take care of Elena and treat her well and that there was nothing wrong with our relationship, as long as we were happy. Her family was so supportive of our relationship that even when I didn’t have a job, her grandmother pulled some strings where she was working and got me hired! I was thinking that Elena was it. I had found the person I would spend the rest of my life with—I knew that I would probably just have to wait more than a few years to make it official.
I quickly found out that there had to be someone raising an eyebrow at Elena’s and my relationship because I never got to meet her pops. They would tell me about how “cool” he was and how much we’d get along, but they always told me that I’d better leave before her pops made it in from work. I was thinking, How is this cool, if I can’t meet her dad? It definitely raised a red flag that maybe this relationship wasn’t appropriate, but I was so caught up in Elena that I couldn’t rationalize beyond what I felt for her, how beautiful she was, and how she had really been a light in my darkness.
When I brought Elena up to my brother and my older sister, they really didn’t have much to say. They did mention how “grown” she looked, but nobody really told me to try to steer clear of her. My family had the mentality of, “That’s your life. You do what you do. That’s your business.” Everybody else was dismissing the relationship, but when I brought Elena up to my mom, she clearly told me to leave her alone. I insisted that Elena didn’t even look her age, but my mother starkly corrected me and told me that what she looked like didn’t matter. She specifically told me to break it off and stay away from Elena.
I didn’t listen. Part of the reason why I didn’t listen to her is because I felt that my family had spent so much time discouraging me and trying to control me. I didn’t want my mother to attempt to put her foot on my neck again and tell me to abandon the only person who seemed to genuinely care for me, so, I discarded her advice. I looked at all that I had going for myself now: a job, a beautiful “woman”, and a road to a great future. I was the man.
Eventually, my relationship with Elena progressed even further, and we started to have sex. So for about two years, we were together like we had a full relationship. She would buy me expensive watches and jewelry and everything; I would buy things for her and take her out. She was the best girlfriend I’d had. The bond I felt with her was so strong that I blocked out every bit of sound reasoning that I had. A soul tie was birthed because I found myself doing things for her and connecting with her on different levels that I never thought I would connect with any other woman. It's like an emptiness or a void was filled that I didn't know existed. It was like I was on this high that I never wanted to come down from.
While I was in this situation, I thought I had it all. I was in college, I attended ITT Tech, I was taking up computer engineering, I had a job working at Target during the holiday season, and plus the woman that I created in my thoughts was made in reality. I didn’t realize that satan had my mind in fantasy island and it was all set up for my destruction. My family continued to warn me, but I ignored the signs because I always thought that my family belittled me anyway. The soul tie I had with Elena grew stronger, and I was satisfied with my life. I became very prideful, and then my thoughts became centered around proving that I was nothing that my family said I was. I wanted them to know that I had come up despite their many shots against me. I wanted them to see that I was successful—without their help. I wanted them to respect me.
Everything seemed to be all bright and sunny in our relationship until Elena told me that she was really sick. At first, her family just brushed it off and assured me that she would be better in no time. There was one particular day when Elena didn’t want to get out of bed and do anything. It seemed like her condition was getting worse. I couldn't allow myself to just watch her suffer while she was sick, so I advised her to go to the hospital. I didn’t realize that her hospital visit would be the door opener to my down fall. I remember sitting in a classroom in college and getting a text that almost destroyed me: “I’m pregnant.” Honestly no words, or thinking was being developed because I was beyond scared. What would this mean for Elena and me? Was I even ready to be a father? Was she even old enough to be a good mother? How would she finish school? What would either of our parents say?
At three a.m. I got a text from Elena saying that she was sorry. I was confused because I didn't know why she was sorry—I mean, it took both of us to make a baby. Her pops still had no idea that I existed. For two years I had been ducking and dodging him because her family didn’t know the “right time” to tell him about me. I got to the point where I really wanted to meet him because I was so in love with his daughter, but it never happened. If I came over to visit, I still had to be out of their house before two o’clock. So imagine what he must have felt discovering that his baby girl was pregnant, not even knowing that she was even sexually active. Imagine what he must have felt after finding out that a grown man had impregnated his daughter. Then another text came in saying that her father had just found out and that things were about to get worse.
Now my thoughts became mixed, and my vision became blurry. I didn’t know what would happen next. It kind of felt like I was wandering in the wilderness with no food, no water and no strategy. I got on my knees, but I couldn't speak a prayer. I couldn't figure out why. Understand that when you have a prideful spirit, you're going in the direction of destruction. When you operate outside of the will of God, sometimes God’s hedge of protection is removed. You could lose everything. In this case, I didn't even know that God had removed his protection. We were then faced with a sobering consequence: either I had to go to jail or she was going to get taken away from her family. The question I had on my mind was when either of these would happen.
I told my mom that Elena was pregnant, and it really was the first time in a long time that I was looking for her to tell me what to do. I didn’t know what was getting ready to happen, and I wasn’t sure that I was ready for it either. I felt ashamed because I knew that if I had just listened to my mom when she told me to leave Elena alone that I probably wouldn’t have been in this situation in the first place. I could’ve prevented all of this from happening.
Sometimes the enemy can consume our mind and thinking and have us wandering on a path that feels good but is not good. Our faulty thinking can also lead us in a direction that doesn’t even lead to a favorable destination. I’ll never forget when it all happened—sometimes the thoughts pop up from time to time in my mind today.
After I found out that Elena was pregnant, I really didn’t see her that much. Then I got a call from a detective saying that he wanted to investigate the relationship that I had with Elena. I figured that her dad must’ve pressed charges against me, but I didn’t really know what that would mean for me. I had never really had any dealings with the police before—I mean, I was a fairly good kid—so if a detective told me that he wanted to talk to me, I just thought it meant just that. I immediately told my mom that these detectives wanted to talk to me, and I begged her to tell me what to do. Did I need an attorney?
What was going on? Since I had never had any run-ins with the law before this situation, I didn’t really have any knowledge of my rights either. The detectives wanted me to meet them at some location, buy my mom wanted them to talk to me at the house instead. It’s funny how I didn’t listen to any of her advice before, but when those detectives tried to big body me and intimidate me, I did everything she said.
They came to the house and they told me about all of the lies that Elena had told them about our relationship. Looking back, I don’t know if she even said those things, but I was so shook by the whole situation that I didn’t know who or what to believe. I just broke down. They made it seem like I was just this awful guy who took advantage of this young girl, but I wasn’t. Everything was consensual. Her family made it seem like it was okay. I was ignorant of what statutory rape was, so I hadn’t even considered that what we had would potentially label me as a sex offender. I was just in an emotional and broken place that didn’t allow me to make a wise decision regarding her. I allowed my feelings and my pride to cause me to make a stupid decision that would later on threaten my freedom.
The detectives told me to stay away from Elena until the investigation died down. I told my mom that I might have too much free time on my hands, so I got another job. I needed to occupy myself so that I could have less time to think about her and the mess I had gotten myself into. I even made up my mind to focus better in school so that I could get my engineering degree. I eventually got called for an interview with KFC and they hired me. Things were looking up, and I was able to still remain positive and stay busy while all of this was going down.
Even though I tried to stay away from Elena, she was still pulling on me. She tried to find ways to see me even though we both were told to stay away from each other. She would call my phone all the time asking when and where we could meet, but I would tell her that it wasn’t a good idea for us to be seen in public with each other. Eventually, I gave in, and I would meet her at her bus stop to walk her home from school. One particular day when I was walking her home, I kept seeing a white truck that seemed to be following us. I asked Elena if she knew the people in the truck and she said that she didn’t recognize anyone. Neither of us knew who it was, but it was actually one of the detectives watching us to make sure that we were not spending time with each other.
That night, I got a call from one of the detectives asking me why I had been consistently meeting Elena at her bus stop. I tried to play dumb and act like I didn’t know what he was talking about. The detective, furious at this point, told me how they had someone watching us and that he knew that I had been with her. Then, I found myself panicking, so I told them that Elena’s mom had asked me to pick her up.
“That’s not the point!” I remember the detective screaming. “We told you not to see her and you did it anyway. I’m tired of talking now,” the detective threatened.
I didn’t know what was going to happen. I was so nervous. I knew I had messed up, and now I was trying to think of way to get out of this. If ever I needed God to intervene for me, it was then, but I felt that I had gone so far out of his will that he wouldn’t.
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